160 has become a place. A place where everything is perfect and I have my life figured out. My Pinterest board represents 160 as Hawaii. In truth, 160 is my "ideal" weight. For so long I have put 160 on a pedestal as the pinnacle of my journey to health and wellness. Because it was never about the journey to health and wellness. It was about looking good in a smaller size and living up to some impossible ideal. Thinking I must be a failure if I'm not 160. And not recognizing the good things I was doing for myself. So I did what most people do when they are perfectionists who struggle to achieve their goal, I sabotaged myself. Over and over. Eat this, do this cardio activity, sign up for this race. Beat yourself up when you don't make it to 160. And start eating all the processed food you can eat. I used to tell myself that even though I was overweight, it was OK because I wasn't a yo-yo dieter. I was just the same weight for what seemed like ever. And then I became a yo-yo dieter. Losing and gaining the same 20-30 pounds several times. And I couldn't lie to myself anymore about the cycles of gaining and losing.
Then my life fell apart. It was probably a slow burn and I just didn't want to admit it. I was immersed in finishing graduate school and raising 3 kids and doing all of the things a mom/wife/educated person/friend/overachiever is supposed to do. And I lost myself somewhere along the way. And then I lost my husband. Or more accurately, I dumped my husband. Nine months ago my "perfect" life was turned upside down, topsy turvy, any other cliches you can think of for a total fucking nightmare. But just as with any nightmare, I had to wake up eventually. And I think I'm finally starting to come out of my Ambien haze and wake up to the reality of my existence.
In the 9 months since my life took a turn I didn't focus on eating well or exercising or anything other than just making it through the day. I started a job that was 60 hours a week, at best, and tried to maintain what little focus I had left for my kids. At one point I had prescriptions for Paxil, Xanax and Ambien. I knew something had to change and I hated myself for how far I had "let myself go," but I just couldn't/wouldn't do anything about it. Until my youngest child started having anxiety about my health and what would happen to her if I died. And I just couldn't live the same way anymore. I felt crappy most of the time - always tired, achy, irritable, and OLD. I just felt so old. And I realize 42 is not young but I felt like I was 62. Or what I imagine 62 feels like.
So I thought about what worked in the past. Weight Watchers worked but I didn't learn anything about how to eat or live a normal life outside the parameter of "Points." South Beach worked but felt like another "diet." Low carb has always been better for me. And I know this. But I choose not to accept it. Why can't I eat anything in moderation? So what if I can tell that my energy levels are stabilized and I don't feel like falling asleep in my plate? I want bread. In truth, I don't even eat bread that much. But if I can't have it, then I want it. I had kicked around Paleo for awhile but just didn't feel like being that stringent. I needed something I could start slowly and incorporate forever. So I looked around the Interwebs and settled on The Primal Blueprint. I like Mark Sisson's integrated approach to health and fitness. His insistence on making your life something you enjoy. So I started reading the book and ordered the meal plan and just stopped eating grains and sugars. And I didn't miss them. I have finally figured out (or rather just admitted to myself) that when I don't eat trigger foods I don't want them. I occasionally have something super carby. This week I had popcorn and it was like I couldn't stop eating it once I started. And then I almost fell asleep in the movie theater.
I just want to get to the mid-point of my journey (I think the end of the road would be death) and be happy and healthy and satisfied with myself. I don't know that I will ever literally get to 160. But 160 has become more than a number on the scale. It is the pinnacle of my health and wellness journey. It is home.
